Oh, MONEY.

I have never been very good with handling it. There's a song by Twin Cities band, Greazy Meal (popular in the late 90's), that has the lyric, "I don't like money, but I sure like what it buys." Ain't that the truth.

I will also admit that over the years, I have racked up some hefty credit card debt, particularly when I did AmeriCorps*VISTA and my monthly income was $700. I'm still paying for those groceries on my Citibank MasterCard. My divorce also took a toll on my credit. Plastic is NOT my friend.

The pastor at my church is doing a three week series called "ATM" -- Attitude, Treasure, Mission. The underlying theme is that we need to re-think money, particularly its value and purpose in our lives.

I totally get that. I fully understand the benefits of living a life of generosity and selflessness. But how can I truly give AND live generously if I am still, quite literally, paying for past mistakes?

I can make budgets and expense lists till the cows come home. The majority of my income is spent on "necessity bills" and "debt bills." After that, if I have anything left, I give to charity, and (maybe) buy groceries and cat food.

When the economy tanked, Theatre IV was in the same boat as many other nonprofits, which forced some difficult decisions: layoffs, pay cuts and increased employee out-of-pocket health care. For many of us, that translates to salary levels at or below where they were five years ago.

I realize that having a lesser-paying job is still better than having no job and that all things considered, I am incredibly blessed and face better circumstances than many. But for someone like me, who has never been particularly savvy regarding money matters, I am finding myself constantly stressing about it. Usually, most of my money is gone the Monday after payday (which is every two weeks).

On the drive home yesterday, I was wishing I could figure out how to sell more drawings or stained glass to supplement my income. But then I realized that if I want to sell more art, I have to make time to create it. Another scarce resource these days.

I'm in rehearsals right now for "Keep on the Sunny Side" at Swift Creek Mill Theatre. When the show starts, the extra income starts. However, the four weeks of rehearsals are unpaid and it's a 20 mile drive to the Mill five or six times a week. When the show is running, it will still be three to four times a week. I haven't done the math, but I'm guessing it's pretty close to a wash in terms of extra income compared to money spent on gas... or "money out the tailpipe" as my grandfather put it.

Yes, I would like some cheese with my whine, thank you.

This is pretty much a vent session. I know many other people are in the same predicament. I just wish one of us had a universal solution.